memory

we'll check the belly of the sun

to know exactly where we're from

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The last few weeks have been busy, I haven't had much time to check LJ and I need to catch up on the con reports, but school-wise, things are good- We totally rocked our thesis oral defense, midterms are over and finals are finally here! Things are winding down now, I just want to take it easy this weekend.

Also, J2 ficlet thing:

Yet to Have
~800 words | PG
“Jen,” Jared says, and then the bed is dipping under Jared’s weight, Jared’s horizontal weight, and maybe tonight is different. It always came back down to this.





Jensen wakes up to someone shaking his shoulder, gets that feeling like he’s being yanked from a long, comforting fall, and blinks in the dim light. He frowns when he sees Jared looking down at him. Of course it’s Jared.

“What,” Jensen mumbles, eyes falling closed again.

Jared doesn’t answer for a while, and Jensen almost falls back asleep. Then an undeterminable amount of time later, Jared says, “Hey,” and Jensen jerks awake, eyes flying open. Jared is hunched forward facing the wall, hands clasped together and elbows on his knees.

“Did you wake me up just to watch you stare at the wall?” Jensen says, voice too soft for his liking, but it feels like that time of night where you don’t want to stir anything up, like the silence is this brittle thing that needs to be handled lightly.

Jared seems to not care about the silence thing at all, because then he laughs and turns to face Jensen, shakes his head and says, “You’re kind of slow.” The words seem to hit every corner of the room with a certain force, not shy at all, like punch on the shoulder.

And Jensen’s rarely ever insulted by Jared anymore so he replies to that with an eyeroll and a dramatic turn on the bed, facing the other wall and pulling the covers over his head. He closes his eyes and thinks of all the times this worked, all the times Jared barged into his room, bouncing on his bed and complaining that he’s bored, bursting with energy, had an ill-timed sugar rush, can’t sleep. Jensen mostly just ignored him then, and Jared mostly just left with a put-out sigh.

“Jen,” Jared says, and then the bed is dipping under Jared’s weight, Jared’s horizontal weight, and maybe tonight is different. “Jensen.”

Jensen sighs and thinks he’s awake anyway, he won’t be going back to sleep, he might as well humor Jared. So he turns, only to find that he miscalculated, and Jared is closer than he expected him to be. He can see Jared’s eyes and nose and all of his moles up close in one startling moment.

“Woah,” Jensen says, pulling his head a fraction back and away, and Jared just laughs.

“I realized something.” This time Jared whispers.

Jensen’s heart is beating hard and fast for no reason. Or, no, maybe— maybe it’s because Jared is this close, and there’s something strange about his voice, and Jensen’s been wondering what it would feel like to be sharing Jared’s breath this way for some time now.

“Yeah?” Jensen whispers back, because it felt like the right thing to do.

Jared nods, and then reaches out to place his fingers gently under Jensen’s chin. Jensen swallows and doesn’t pull back, but other than that, he doesn’t know what to actually do. And it’s just Jared, why should he make Jensen freeze up at all? It’s just his best friend, familiar and predictable.

“It has to be you,” Jared says softly.

Jensen blinks. “Huh,” he replies, then frowns. Maybe not so predictable. “What has to be me?” he asks stupidly.

Jared laughs again, and Jensen feels the puff of his breath from this close, and wishes Jared would stop laughing at him.

It,” Jared says, and maybe he thinks he’s being funny and smart and riddling, but for some reason Jensen gets it. He always gets it with Jared, and yeah, maybe it does have to be him, and it has to be Jared.

“You thought of that just now?” Jensen asks, and tries not to feel too lost when Jared’s fingers leave his face.

“I think I’ve known for a while,” he shrugs, and it’s weird how he can even shrug in this position. “I just thought it was about time I shared the idea with the rest of the class. Since they seemed to be having a hard time putting the numbers together.”

“Screw you,” Jensen says, but he’s grinning, and Jared’s grinning back.

“Think you can figure out the rest of the equation? I can totally spare you a few cheats, remember, one plus one—“

Jensen laughs and shoves at Jared, making him fall on his back, and the bastard’s still prattling on, "It’s really simple once you get the hang of it—"

It can’t be anyone else. They tried the other options, exhausted them, and it always came back down to this—them, laughing. Knowing each other too well and being okay with it and being so, so close, and closer still, the spaces between them falling away until all that’s left to know is this: the feel of each other’s skin, the weight of each other’s bodies when they’re falling apart.

“Yeah, I think I got it,” Jensen says loudly, voice riding over Jared’s. Then he leans over close and looks right into Jared’s stupid laughing eyes and murmurs, “I got it,” soft and conclusive. He presses his lips against Jared’s and that shuts him up, easy.






Sorry about that, I hope you are all doing AWESOME. :)

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